


Grilled Aubergines, Five Kisses and Exposed Beams.

by LHismutual



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band), ot4 - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Artist Ashton Irwin, Artist Harry, Barista Louis, Bottom Louis, Chaptered, Drugs, Exes, Fluff, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Party, Short, Short & Sweet, Surrogate mother, Tattoo Artist Liam, barman niall, booze, club, exes to lovers again, larry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 04:08:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14908049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LHismutual/pseuds/LHismutual
Summary: I guess the moral of this one is that, sometimes shit happens but once in a while the universe has a laugh and puts some people back into your life. The rest is on your hands.READ DIRECTLY " I Wanna Remember How You Taste", this fic is basically a draft.





	1. ‘Let’s have a laugh’ said the universe.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Here we go again, fifth fic! Not a one shot, there will be two short chapters. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm so glad to be back. I guess I wanted to write something as universal as personal. Life can be really strange and just as you thought you were done with some people they are back. Sometimes those people happen to be your first love. 
> 
> as always, don't hesitate to comment and share. Also, guess what? I have twitter now : @lhismutual 
> 
> all the love, xx

The surprise was complete. Louis opened his eyes and saw a cradle, the furniture was made of steel and wooden leaves, the details were breathtakingly intricate. Of course, he would be a father with Paul. Aghast and amazed he looked at the tag which to his greatest despair indicated “Harry Styles”.  If it were the one he was thinking of, the two had loved each other when they were freshmen. To Louis misfortune, the young men aspired to drastically opposite ideals. Harry had always wanted the bohemian, Louis, the big house with the white fence and kids. Naturally, they had split but as the universe seemed to play games.  When Paul told unhesitatingly that Louis could always check the warehouse to furnish his new night club, the later didn’t bother and kissed him instead.

 

It was pitch dark now. Paul was sleeping, tired to his bones after sex. Louis couldn’t sleep. Soon they would start the procedures and be fathers. He looked at Paul’s back, his skin was shiny, his muscles lean. He smiled while standing up to reach the spare room. He opened the door with great care and stopped in front of the cradle. He ran his fingers along the wood, he touched the wheels and the coolness felt incredibly needed under his burning skin. He searched for the tag and eventually found it. It was wrapped with a green woollen cord; the slightly blue paper was probably recycled. He sat on the floor and cupped his face. This couldn’t be happening. What were the odds to meet again after all those years? Fate was messing with him. Without knowing why, tears ran down his cheeks effortlessly. He sat there until dawn. He thought it over and concluded that he couldn’t see him. It could destroy the ounce of stability he had built. Harry was part of his past and their connection was long gone. 

 

In the morning, he opted for the shower and dressed up. Paul was still sleeping, subconsciously waiting for Louis to bring breakfast in bed as usual on Sundays but this time he wouldn’t. He looked at him one last time and a strange feeling hit his bones, for a split second he pictured an eighteen-year-old Harry sleeping in his bed. Brown curls caressing the pillow, tattoos tainting the covers.

‘You sure?’ Niall simply said almost swallowing his coffee. He was exhausted and simply looking at him made Louis feel dizzy. As much as he wanted things to be normal, everything felt wrong and the look on Niall’s face was clearly pulling the red alarm. ‘Are you okay?’ Niall added. He wasn’t, the waves of thoughts were crashing against the edge of his mind again. Emptiness was slowly spreading to reach his core, just like it did five years before when Harry had left.

Out of all the things he wanted to say, from the fact that he wanted more than anything to see Harry to the pain hitting his ribs, he told Niall about the baby. ‘You don’t owe him shit.’ Niall concluded after congratulating him.

 

Louis came home the very morning, exhausted and full of doubts. Paul was gardening so he was left alone with his thoughts again. Maybe it was time to let him go. It had been years, Niall was right, happiness was ahead. Even though Louis couldn’t possibly imagine a life where Harry would mean nothing, for even his absence made sense, it was his last sign to focus on his new life.  As he was putting sugar on his tea, memories hit him.

++

It was a cool evening of September, the grass felt wet under feet. Except for a couple of two old people, the park was empty. They had ended up here with no other reason than they couldn’t pick between the different films shown in theatres. Harry had driven Louis’ car and randomly picked a park. They had been dying to kiss each other, at least Louis' red cheeks and sweaty palms seemed to lead in that direction. Harry had tried his best to stay confident and not let himself be overwhelmed by the rogue. For his part, Louis was determined to play a bit longer. He had bet with Niall that he wouldn't be the one to surrender, Harry was going to kiss him first. 

 

They had walked a bit until Harry ahd suggested that Louis might had been dying to taste his lips. 

'I'm not gonna kiss you Styles.' Louis said looking at Harry dangerously biting his lower lip. 'Promised Ni I would win. One month of free beers' at stake.' he added tying his hands to stop thinking about Harry's curls behind his ear. 

‘You better kiss me Tomlinson, I don't care about the bet. Free drinks on me.' He said grabbing Louis, forcing to look at him straight in the eye. He leered at him before stepping even further.

'And why are you not going to kiss me?'

'Oh. I will. Don't worry about that. But you know, been doing my best and I could use some help here.'  Louis laughed at that, Harry was right. Louis wasn't very talkative, at least not when his feelings were at stake. 'We’re making history here.’ Harry added confidently, his mouth open like a dumb man. Louis looked into his eyes, a spark of surrender lightened the blue. He lowered Harry's chin and put his lips on Harry's. He felt Harry's smile underneath his lower lip and kissed him harder, that was his way of talking. 

++

When water spilt on the back of his hand, Louis mechanically pulled out his hand. Now his tea was ruined. He looked through the window, Paul smiled at him.

 

'I can't believe the guy's in town though.' Niall said lighting Louis' cig. 'L.A's not that far. You seem off.' Niall wasn't entirely wrong. He wasn't wrong at all. 

'Well, I don't know lad. I just- what were the odds?'

'Maybe it's a sign of the times.' he poked Louis' shoulder.

'I love you Ni but you do talk some shit sometimes.'

 

It was only eight days later that the subject resurfaced. Niall had a plan, they needed new stools for their soon-to-be-open night club. The warehouse where Harry worked was freshly settled so it was the perfect occasion to benefit lower prices and, given the cradle, Louis couldn’t really argue:  it was proper work.

The smell of paint and aerosol cans hit his nostrils. The warehouse was separated in areas, having crossed the reception he reached what seemed like the urban arts corner.  A guy with a mask was working on a wall, graffities. There were stairs at the back of the building with a sign ‘Payne’s tattoos’ written on it. He looked at the guy and tried to catch his attention. Eventually the guy stopped his work and met Louis. They looked at each other and as much as he wanted to utter something and not look dumb, nothing happened.

 

‘We’re searching for Harry Styles. Business inquiry.’ Niall offered as mare salutation. They finally shook hands but not after a long stare at Louis. ‘Wicked’ Niall added pointing at the wall, ‘Left after the stairs, right if the guy is carving woods.’

'You want me to go with you?' Niall whispered trying his best not to look suspicious. Except that Louis was pissed. First Niall had dragged him there, he had made everything up just so they would meet again. Louis hated surprises, especially when his long gone first love was involved. 

'I fine Ni. Thanks for asking now that I'm here.' he spat. He would talk to Niall later.  

 

Louis crossed the building and reached the said workshop. He tried to think about something to say, something appropriate, words that would fit but he came to the conclusion that words wouldn't suffice, some things were too obvious to be hazardous.

He was here. His longs curls were intertwined with a green scarf. His hair was longer than Louis remembered, visually messy but soft. He was turning his back to the entrance, plunged into his art. The guy was painting with his hands, memories hit the back of Louis head, Harry had always loved to paint with his bare fingers, he smiled unknowingly.

He looked around, paintings, sculptures, cups scattered here and there, some filled with water and paint some filled with coffee. Louis stepped forward and peered at a steel sculpture, it was a face that looked strangely familiar, was it a self-portrait? He stepped back and hit a bucket which reversed, water was spilled everywhere.  ‘Shit.’ Was everything Louis was able to utter. ‘No worries, it happens all the-’ Harry replied before turning around, no sooner had he seen Louis than the last words were stuck in his throat. They looked at each other in complete silence. It could have lasted two seconds or four hours until Harry seemed to be back on earth and grabbed a towel to clean the floor.

‘You need something?’ Louis heard, his voice was deeper and without really knowing why, painful to his ears.  Louis explained himself in a row, he was almost out of breath when he finished the story, not because it was particularly long but because he wanted to escape.  ‘Gimme a month.’ Harry replied trying to scratch some paint from the back of his left hand.

'Niall will be delighted.' Harry frowned and paused. Louis knew this face by heart, Harry would look angry when his mind was processing something surprising.

'Niall as Niall Horan?'

'We're still best friends. He's my business partner now.'

'Did he come ?' he said smiling brightly. Louis nodded and watched Harry left the room. Louis followed him mechanically. 

'Wait, how did you hear about me ?' Harry said, turning around just before reaching the door. 

'Niall.' Louis tried his best to sound casual. Paul's face came to his mind and with that the weight of the tears that had rolled down his cheeks until dawn. Louis wasn’t ready to let him about how the craddle had messed up with his mind.

They walked until they reached the front desk. Niall was typing something on his phone. 

'Nice shoes.' Harry offered a big smile on his face. Louis looked at him, nothing had changed, from the depth of his dimples, to his plump lips and scrunched nose. Niall looked up, locked his phone and opened his arms laughing. Louis felt a pinch in his heart. Their meeting had been so formal, so distant. Now that Niall was hugging him it dawned upon him that maybe, just maybe, they could have hugged each other too. 

They made an estimate and Niall gave in the down payment, Louis stood behind, watching the scene unable to fit. 

 

‘Go for it.’ Louis said cleaning the counter, he had been a great night and he wasn’t going to tarnish their success for a drink. ‘I mean it. I don’t have anything to say.’ He added looking at Niall in the eye. Harry had invited them for a drink. Of course, Louis wouldn’t go, but it didn’t mean he had something to say about Niall’s choices. They were friends before Louis and Harry had split and Louis was sure their friendship would revitalize in a second.  ‘Am I supposed to talk about you? Not talk about you?’ That was a great question, was he going to approve Harry knowing him again through a friend or was he going to nourish the silence? As much as he didn’t want things to be that way, a part of him was dying to the thought of Harry forgetting him again. The other half was aware of the dangers encountered.

‘I don’t want my name to be taboo, tell him what you want. It’s been five years, he probably doesn’t care anyway.’ He said trying to act casual though he was hoping Niall would drop some pieces of information just to prove how interesting he still was.

 

Maybe it was because the night had been a folly or maybe he wasn’t simply in the mood but when he came back Louis decided to avoid Paul as much he could. He slept all day and woke up late in the evening. It was Thursday, as usual, Paul would be in the living room watching Master Chief. Not only Louis wasn’t one of those who would spend their evening in front of the TV but he also hated cuisine shows. He lit a cigarette, sitting comfortably in his beach sofa and thought of it: he hadn’t spent a single Thursday evening with Paul in two years.

In fact, the past two years he had spent his Thursdays smoking a joint in front of the beach. He shook his head and decided to go for a walk. He meandered until his feet were sore and indicated it was time to go back home. On the way back, he received a text from Niall, it was a picture: Him all smiley, Harry by his side, the graffities guy from the warehouse and a fourth guy that Louis had never seen.

From the background, they were in the O’ Connor, a shitty Irish bar on the fifth avenue. Harry was holding a glass, whiskey maybe. He was beaming and so Louis wondered if Niall had told them about sending him the picture. He looked at the waves and felt the need to take a deep breath.  He typed, ‘Harry’s boyfriend looks fine’, referring to the fourth guy. To his surprise, he received an immediate answer, ‘Ashton’s husband, Liam. Harry’s free.’ No sooner had he read the text that he regretted his inquiry. Why would a guy like Harry be single? Hadn’t he changed or was he still the guy refusing to settle down? He sent a picture of the sea and went home to prepare for his shift.

 

He passed the following weeks being sad and moody for sometimes memories were more powerful than feelings.

‘What are you thinking of?’ Paul asked taking Louis in his arms from the back. Louis sighed and secretly reminded himself not to look depressed in front of Paul again. ‘Worried about the new club.’ He lied trying his best to appreciate Paul’s recomfort. The later kissed him on the neck and whispered something about how amazing things would be once the club would open. Louis wasn’t paying much attention, the stools would soon be ready and with that, they would soon interact again.

 

‘You want me to come?’ Niall asked through the phone, Louis was irritated and stressed. The first meeting with the surrogate mother had been a nightmare, they would have to hire another one. He didn’t have time to book new appointments and on top of that, Niall had decided to break his wrist the day they were supposed to buy the stools. It also meant Niall wasn’t going to work for a month.

‘You can’t come.’ He replied sharply, it wasn’t against Niall, at least that was what he was repeating himself. ‘Take care of your wrist. Try to find someone to replace you. See if Judie is available.’

 

‘Nice to meet you.’ He shook Liam’s hand. The guy was outrageously beautiful. ‘Sick tats.’ He added trying to relax a bit. ‘Niall told us about your clubs. I can’t wait for the opening.’ He smiled and made his eyes disappear. ‘Harry is not here yet but you can wait at his corner.’ Ashton followed obviously referring to Harry’s workplace in the warehouse. Louis waited exactly twenty-eight minutes and smoked three times. The curly guy entered the area, humming slightly. His lilac denim jacket suited him perfectly.

 

‘I didn’t see any fresh paintings so I figured I could open the back door.’  He said before attempting to close it but Harry cut him off ‘Leave it open, the stools are outside actually.’

He tried to replace his curls but after three attempts he got tired of it and tied them with a golden scarf. The stools were simple yet impressive, somehow masculine. Louis peered at them, tracing lines along the cold material with his fingers. Harry had always been gifted, that was one of the reasons why he hadn’t finished college. He didn’t need any diploma to succeed. He was a natural, born to create.

‘Not as good as the cradle but tried my best.’ Harry said lighting a joint. He knew all about it, Louis felt the urge to cry but swallowed his frustration instead.  ‘I didn’t get the chance to say thank you. Those are sick by the way.’ He looked at the sky, no cloud whatsoever. Harry didn’t reply but focused on the smoke.  They put the stools in Louis’ trunk in silence until they had to say goodbye.

‘I’d love to go to the opening if you’re okay with it.’ Harry said closing the boot. His eyes were brighter with the sun and the thinness of his fabric allowed his tattoos to be visible. Louis looked at the car keys in his palm and silently damned himself for not finding something to say. Of course, he wasn’t going to inform Harry that after months of his relationship with Paul he was just bored. He wasn’t going to tell him that Paul and he had never perfectly fitted or that every big step had been imagined by his boyfriend and that he was fine with them as long as he didn’t have to take the lead.  ‘Come.’ He struggled to utter. He meant it, Harry had every right to attend his friend’s opening. Nothing was going to change anyway. Harry was showing support as he had always done, he still cared in a formal way and almost out of circumstances, but it was enough for Louis.

 

He went home and took a bath, lulled by the warmth of the water and the sound of the ocean. He tried to remember his day, his week and month. He then thought about the time in between Harry’s departure and comeback. He couldn’t help but being stuck on one precise moment.

_‘I never mean to hurt you. I wouldn’t.’_

_‘You are. Right now, I’m fucking hurt. I’m telling you I can follow you I don’t care I just want to be with you.’_

_‘That’s the thing isn’t it? You always compromising. I love you enough to let you be who you want to be. I know you, you don’t want that. We’re gonna travel for years and one day you’ll wake up, look at me and have regrets because you know those dreams aren’t going to disappear. You’re a natural Louis, you deserve to be a father, to have your bar and the house and the fucking dog. I can’t give you what you want and it breaks my heart because I’m in love with you.’_

Two weeks had passed no sign from Harry whatsoever. Louis had tried his best to not think about him and quite succeeded. They had booked another appointment with a surrogate mother, Paul was so excited he had arranged a romantic date night on the beach. Louis was zoning out, looking at the scene from the outside. The more they would talk about the baby the more his guts would shrink. Having a baby was the logical next step, Louis knew it would happen one day, but now he realised he hadn’t expected it to be so soon.

 

 

Tonight, was the night, the great opening of Miss You. The regular customers were already there, more were expected to come. Free drinks all night long for only forty bucks. Niall was beaming, chatting with strangers, goofing around. Louis was a little bit more stressed, after two hours of rushing, Liam Ashton and Harry entered the club.

 

Harry was wearing a black shirt patterned with golden roses, high waisted dark trousers and golden boots. He was the most beautiful man of the night. Louis shook his head and put the shots on a tray. Before the artists could reach the bar, Louis was already waiting for them to take the shots.

‘On the house.’ He winked at Ashton. They didn’t hesitate, Liam and Ashton took the shot and made a funny face. Harry took the glass with a subtle grace and was apparently waiting for Louis to do something. ‘Where’s yours?’ Harry had to come closer for Louis to hear him. He walked to reach the bar, come behind and picked a bottle. He didn’t struggle at all to grab a shot glass and poured some for Louis. The later put the tray on the counter and waited aghast. Harry had worked in clubs, Louis was sure of it. Harry offered a big smile and lifted his glass.  ‘I didn’t give you the permission to come behind the bar.’ ‘I apologize for that but you need one.’ He said amused.

 

The night went on, Harry and Liam were dancing now. Ashton was talking with Paul about some sports stuff Louis didn’t care about. Niall was trying his best to remain sober for half of the customers had went home and the remaining were mostly friends and regular.  He went for a smoke and to his surprise, Harry joined him.  ‘You can be proud, this place is sick.’ Harry said buttoning up his shirt. Louis focused on his hands, large and strong but again soft.  ‘Thanks for coming. You didn’t have to.’ Harry shook his head in disbelief and snorted.  ‘You know, I get that we haven’t talked for years but it doesn’t mean I ceased to care about you, at all.’ That was Louis’ turn to laugh. How bold of him to say such thing. He was the one who left after all, aren’t people supposed to stick to you if they care? He took a long puff and remained silent. What was the point of talking about the past? Louis had thought it over and over. There was no need to get more hurt than he already was.  ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let me apologize. I only meant that I support you even though my support probably doesn’t mean a thing anymore. You still got it.’ He muttered sheepishly. Louis looked at him and tried his best not to look furious, because he was. After all this time Harry had concluded that his presence meant nothing, he was wrong, as long as Harry was Harry, the guy’s presence would always make sense to Louis. Somehow Harry pretending not to know it was worse than anything. As if what they had shared had vanished. ‘And now you’re mad at me. Shit. Sorry. I’m gonna go.’ The artist said before bumping into Paul. ‘Sorry.’ He repeated in front of a frowning Paul.

 

‘Just wanted to say that I’m going home.’ Paul kissed him proudly. It felt so wrong Louis didn’t even fake a smile, ‘okay’ he replied, eager to be left alone.

 

 

‘I mean, with everything going on I’m a bit stressed yeah.’ Louis admitted looking sheepishly at his hands laid on the kitchen counter. The surface was slightly beige with a shade of caramel in it, he hated it.  ‘You’re distant. I don’t know what I did to make you feel that way but talk to me.’ Paul said desperately, it was true though. Louis was distant and time wasn’t helping, in the theatre of his relationship with Paul, it felt like the more time would pass the more his seat would be far away from the scene. It wasn’t Harry’s fault even though he had believed it at first. Somehow Harry had permitted him to see the true edges of his relationship and with that, everything that didn’t work, everything that Louis needed. ‘I’m not sure about the baby.’ He replied, to Paul’s hear, it sounded like a death sentence. He paused, sat on the back of the sofa and peered intensely at Louis, as if his words didn’t pop out of his mouth.  ‘What do you mean?’ his boyfriend replied, his tone was harsh and with that the certitude that Louis had hurt him to his core. ‘Don’t you want to have a baby?’ Louis looked outside the window, those beautiful waves, right now he wanted to drown. _I’m not sure I want to have a baby with you_ he told himself. The words spoken outloud would end his relationship, frustrated and mad, tears started to flood down his cheeks. Paul stood up and attempted to join Louis but the later left the house without further words.

 

 

 

‘I don’t want you to get hurt’ Louis read from Niall, nevertheless, he decided to ignore his best friend and dialled Harry’s number. ‘Hi. Hum, I just remembered that I never thanked you for your help with the club. Maybe we can have a coffee one day? I know that you probably don’t-’ Harry shut him off with a solid ‘I’m free today’ and Louis aghast had to shake his head to follow. ‘Cool. There’s this little coffee called The Petit Paris, meet me there in ten?’

 


	2. ‘Joke on you’ replied History.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what they say, feelings that come back are feelings that never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVED to write that fic for it resounds so deeply in my heart. As always, if you're reading this and are struggling with depression or any other mental illness : it gets better, you're perfect and needed as you are I promise. 
> 
> Thanks for reading me and thank you to those who've been reading me ever since Love Is a Battlefield. 
> 
>  
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment, I love to talk to you guys! See you around for the sixth fic :) 
> 
> All the love, Deana

Louis looked at himself in the mirror one last time just to be sure his eyes weren’t swollen. He sat and waited for the waitress, Clarissa. He knew the place by heart and with that, the employees and their shifts.  ‘Good to see you Louis. Usual?’ The woman said, replacing her blond curls behind her ear. She was sweet and chatty and Louis’ favourite waitress. Jody, the second waitress wasn’t so bad but she was way to energetic for the guy.  ‘I’m waiting for someone. We’ll see then.’ The waitress nodded, a big smile on her face and left.

 

Harry was finally here, he had dark circles under his eyes and his hair looked messy but his charming-self was still there. His pink trousers fitted perfectly with the furniture of the restaurant and the flowers patterned on his white shirt made his green eyes sparkle. He was like one of those rich characters from a Fitzgerald book.

 

‘Hi. I’m glad you called.’ By the shape of his jaw Louis knew Harry wanted to say more but his mouth remained shut.

‘I’m sorry about our last talk. I wasn’t angry at you.’ Louis’ buttocks started to swing like a timid child.

‘So, it was something I said then. I don’t want things, important things, to be left unsaid.’ His jaw was now clenched and his voice deeper. He was right, speaking about it was the best thing to do, once everything would be cleared, they would be friends and Louis would be free. Well, free not to have a baby and possibly free to be single.

‘It made me mad, you thinking that you mean nothing, it was as if our past doesn’t count. It still does for me so I was mad but I do want your support.’ Harry crunched his nose and replaced his hair. The rings on his fingers were shining so brightly they had to be brand-new.

‘What we had matters.’ He said looking at Louis. ‘I would never say otherwise. I simply thought that, given the way I left you, you had all the rights not to care about my support or presence in town.’ Louis looked at the artist and realised that some pain was stuck in his throat too. ‘I’m glad to be here with the possibility to talk to you, even though we literally spoke twice since I moved in.’ he paused to laugh ‘I just don’t want to do anything that could hurt you, you moved on, you’re gonna be a father. It’s all that matters.’ For a second Louis felt that his mouth was uttering words that his heart didn’t agree with. Maybe it was the way Harry had pronounced ‘father’ or maybe it was because Louis knew his expressions by heart, but it didn’t click.

 

‘I didn’t tell Paul about us, what we were.’ Louis said out of the blue. ‘I just don’t think, given the situation, that it would do good to my couple.’ No sooner had the words come out of his mouth that he prayed for Harry not to ask anything about “the situation”. Harry was smart and Louis was sure he had understood things properly. He was hoping he had also understood the fact that Louis wasn’t ready to talk about his relationship problems.  Harry was going to reply when the waitress appeared to give them the menu.

 

 

They talked until it was time for a snack: pancakes with bitter chocolate and lemonade. After that they decided to walk on the beach. Harry had told Louis about his trips, two in particular, the one in Cambodia when he had rescued Pich, an old Husky dog, and the second one in Brazil when he had met Paolo, the only guy he had dated after their breakup. The mention of his love affairs made Louis smile. Of course, Harry was trying to prove a point, only one serious relationship in five years, did that mean he had hooked up with so many guys he didn’t want to admit it? Or, did that mean it had been actually hard to find someone sufficient? 

 

‘It’s totally not my place to ask but I mean, why a guy like you would be single?’ Harry scrunched his nose and laughed. He looked at the ocean a smirk on his face.

‘I mean, I didn’t want anyone after you. I was fine with my backpacker life. With Paolo, I don’t know, I guess it didn’t feel the same, I mean, discovering a new country, after so many discoveries. I think I changed and I wanted to settle so we tried. Didn’t work.’ He paused, Louis looked at him and find nothing but regrets. ‘Anyway, you know me I got bored and we split, I went to Australia for a bit and came here. Now that I want this life I’m single, how ironic.’ He concluded still looking at the ocean. He was mindlessly playing with sand with his right hand. Louis tried to find something comforting to say but laughed instead, Harry finally looked at him and frown.  ‘It’s just that, now that I almost have everything that I wished for, I’m not sure to be happy, that’s the real irony.’ Harry smiled softly, sadness tarnishing his traits, ‘life’s strange.’ He said in the most casual way. Yet, it resounded in Louis’ core. It dawned upon him, life wasn’t about finding someone perfect and have the dream life, it was all about finding someone perfect for you to make your life the bestest. Louis had it all, the house, the boyfriend and soon the toddler. Yet, the desire to stop it all was swelling inside his chest. 

 

 

He came back in the evening to find Paul cooking lasagne. Louis recognised at the smell that it contained meat and automatically sighed.

 

‘I thought I would put meat in it, to please my parents.’ Paul apologised.

‘Or they could have eaten vegetarian lasagne and no one would have died you know.’ Louis was upset, he wasn’t sure if it were because of his boyfriend not respecting his habits or the simple act of coming to a place that felt less and less like home. He took off his shoes not putting them back on the shoe cabinet. ‘Shoes.’ He heard Paul muttered. He opened the French window and sat on the outdoor sofa. Silently he rolled a joint and tried to relax. ‘Please. My parents will be here in a minute.’ Paul said replacing the towel on his shoulder. He was looking at Louis as if he were eight. Louis closed the French window without a word. His iPhone vibrated in his back pocket, he read ‘really appreciated our talk. And the mocha (and the pancakes). Just for your information: I’m free every Wednesday.’

 

Louis exhaled deeply not even trying to hide his smile. Out of everything, spending time with Harry felt like breathing. It made Louis feel safe and happy, not because they were exes or because his couple was going up in smoke but because Harry was a wallflower. Harry would listen and just be genuine. He typed ‘Can’t wait to see Pich’ and enjoyed his last moment alone.

 

 

The diner was going on pretty well until they all started to talk about the baby and the thought that his future daughter would have only one grandpa -and not the kindest one- hit him in the guts. André was smart and distinguished, someone to look up to if order and appearance were your ideals. Even though he had already remained composed, Louis somehow knew that the man in his fifties hated him. ‘Paul deserves a real business man’ he had once overheard. It had made Louis laugh given the fact that his payroll was twice as big as Paul’s.

 

 

Three Wednesday after that, the situation remained the same, after two years of relationship, Louis felt like he was more in a condominium with Paul than anything else. They would chat long enough to tell their day and that would be about it. Silence had taken over the house, they would live together out of habits now. Paul was sadder everyday waiting for Louis to take a decision. It was such a shame, he had taken one step after the other, almost resigned for he had believed Paul’s decision would make him happy. The “baby” step had been the last straw, finally he has had enough of Paul deciding for two. He wanted to be genuine, especially to himself. The more he would think about it the more his opinion on the subject would be stronger: Louis wanted to have a baby but not now and not with Paul. 

 

Three Wednesday had passed and with that, three rendezvous with Harry. It was like getting to know each other all over again but Louis liked that. Harry had changed but not too much as to remain the Harry Louis liked. He was slightly sportier, slightly more pragmatic. He liked ketchup and asparagus now. Louis also noticed that he was more decision-oriented and forward which Louis considered to be a big improvement. Truth be told, Harry was even more lovable and Louis was started to feel like he was the one that hadn’t bettered himself. Three weeks that had marked their new friendship. Of course, Louis wasn’t talking about his relationship problems but Harry needn’t words to understand him anyway.

 

It was a mild evening, the two friends weren’t working. The smell of grilled aubergines was hovering the beach. Niall was playing harmonica joined by Louis who was humming slightly his eyes closed.  He didn’t notice that Harry and Paul were talking. In fact, their discussion was rendered public the second Paul had shouted. Louis opened his eyes and frowned. Paul seemed mad, Harry was left waiting, his hands on his flanks. Paul was now walking in the direction of the house, without hesitation Louis stood up. ‘What’s going on?’ he said softly. Paul could be a hurricane there was no need to add more drama.

‘I don’t know, maybe the fact that Harry’s your first love? Or maybe the fact that you hid it from me?’ Louis tried to grab his arm but Paul stepped aside, snorted and came back home. Niall shrugged obviously exasperated by Paul’s behaviour. He turned his head, Harry was leaving too. ‘Go get him.’ Niall said standing up to look out for the barbecue.

 

‘He asked about us. I couldn’t lie.’ Harry said, but by the tone of his voice and the sharpness of his traits, he read sadness and regret. ‘Don’t be mad at me.’ He added searching for his keys. The orange shade of his suit was perfectly matching with the sunset.  ‘I’m not mad at you. He didn’t have to shout. What did he say?’ Harry was now turning the keys so Louis had to put his hand on Harry’s one. ‘Talk to me.’ He added. ‘He said that he liked me as a person but not the fact that every since I came into your life you were distant. He asked if there was something between us, I said no and I don’t know he started to tell me I was lying, that obviously we shared something unique. I told him we dated in college and he got mad he shouted and that’s about it. Let me leave. I just want to be alone right now.’

 

Louis let him go and sighed. Of course, Paul would be mad, Louis had kept him from the truth after all. Yet, he had no right to disrespect Harry, especially when there was nothing underneath. They were friends, nothing more and Paul had to understand their situation wasn’t linked to his relationship with Harry. Although Harry was tall and muscular he hated violence either mental or physical, always had. ‘I’m sorry.’ He said softly, Harry looked at him, his eyes were saying words Louis didn’t understand, nostalgia maybe. ‘Text me when you’re home. Be safe.’

 

 

He came back to the beach to see Niall arguing with Paul this time.

‘Gimme a break!’ Niall said outloud, he was gathering his stuff. ‘What’s going on?’ Louis asked to both of them and apparently silence could be an answer, ‘what the fuck is going on?’ he repeated. ‘Paul doesn’t want me here.’ Niall said looking at Paul who looked determined. ‘Niall didn’t do anything. What’s wrong with you?’ Paul snorted, ‘I’m tired of it all. I am the one leaving.’ He looked at Louis with slander and turned his heels. The two friends spent the night together, Niall was determined to make Louis feel better even though everything was going awry.

 

 

‘You’re gonna kill him stop it Pich.’ Harry said smiling brightly. The dog had jumped on Louis and had made him fall. Pich was a big Husky yet, she was the kindest dog Louis had ever met. ‘She’s clumsy just like you.’ Louis said petting her behind the ears, Harry snorted and went to the living room. He sat on the shabby blue suede sofa. The room was filled with plants, sculptures and paintings. It smelt like dark chocolate mixed with Harry’s scent. ‘Sick.’ Louis said looking at the exposed beams at the ceiling. ‘Always wanted visible beams, it’s so charming.’ Louis said not noticing the fact that Harry was peering at him. ‘All this light. Your windows are so big.’ He added closing his eyes to feel the sun beams on his face. ‘I like it here.’ He concluded, he turned around and saw Harry a big smile on his face. ‘Look at the piano.’ He tilted his head proudly. Louis crossed the living room, passed the second sofa -made of wooden pallet- and reached the instrument. He sat and ran his fingers on the keys, he couldn’t help but playing. ‘Pern, Yan Tiersen.’ Harry said softly before joining him. He bent forward and rested on his elbow, Louis who had his eyes closed tried his best not to get overwhelmed. ‘You look beautiful when you play.’ He heard Harry say, his voice was so low more like a whisper, Louis had almost missed it but luckily enough, the words had resounded deep inside and he smiled. He didn’t open his eyes until he finished to play. Harry was still looking at him, ‘You’re a weirdo.’ Louis deadpanned, Harry didn’t bother at all.

 

‘You’re still playing.’ Harry said pouring the tea. ‘I almost stopped, after we broke up.’ Louis admitted, ‘You were everywhere, especially in the music I would play. I started again maybe three years ago. Niall and I would organize gigs, back to the days when we had this shitty bar.’ He recalled. ‘We still play but you know not in the club.’ ‘you miss those days.’ Harry said focused on the tobacco and leaf. ‘It’s a shame, you make people happy when you play, always have.’ He licked the leaf, tapped the joint against the table and stood up. Harry was right, Louis felt his guts shrink and stood up in silence. They were sitting on the grass of the back garden. Pich was sleeping near the windows just as to appreciate the sun without having to leave the coolness of the house.

 

‘How do you feel?’ _Lonely_ he thought to himself. Paul had been living with his parents for a week, no call or text whatsoever. Louis was gradually understanding that he was waiting for him to improve the situation and mend the wounds. Except that Louis wasn’t sure if he wanted to make efforts or just run away from the life he had once wanted. ‘I can’t break his heart.’ He exhaled deeply, ‘I can’t tell him that after two years I suddenly realised that I didn’t want to spend my life with him. That the way I love him wasn’t the sufficient enough to make us happy in the long run. Cause I’ve seen it way too many times, people trying their best to love someone because they are supposedly perfect and ending up exhausted and lonely. They try and try again until they realise that they’ve been trying for years to be as perfect as the other was and end up with a self-esteem so low they think they are the problem. I’m not a bad guy Hazza. I just don’t want this life to be mine, I don’t love Paul enough to be the father of his child. I hate those shitty cuisine shows. I hate half of our furnishings. Jeez I hate our running sessions.’ He rubbed his face and sniffled.

 

Harry took a deep puff and emptied his lungs. ‘You deserve to be happy Louis. After five years of silence, it took me one second to remember that you are the best person I know. Nobody needs perfect but everyone deserves someone who suits them best. I’m sorry you have to go through this.’ Now Louis understood, that was why Harry had left.  When it had come to happiness, Harry had all the rights to break up with him and have the time of his life. He had broken up with him because Louis wouldn’t have been happy. After all those years, the weight in Louis’ chest disappeared. Their break up was a good thing. Harry hadn’t taken this decision out of selfishness or immaturity. Now that he wanted to run away as far as possible, he understood. A part of him felt immediately relieved. ‘Did you feel like you didn’t love me enough?’ he said out of the blue, he wanted to know, he had to know. ‘I loved you too much.’ Harry replied straight away. ‘It broke my heart you know. I loved you so much I couldn’t bare the thought of you being unhappy with the life I had chosen for myself. I hope you know that. I’m happy you got to try to have the life you wanted, it’s just a shame it doesn’t suit you as much as you deserve it.’ He finished. ‘You’re not supposed to wonder if you love someone or not.’ Louis said painfully. ‘Makes me feel like utter shit. I don’t want to go back. Doesn’t feel like home anymore.’

 

Harry passed the joint and took the scarf off his hair, it was too hot not to put it in a bun. ‘I know that you got many friends and the bestest of friend but if you want to stay here just know that you can. I have a cosy guest room and a lovely doggo to talk to.’

 

 

 

‘Don’t you get it Paul? It never was about Harry. I didn’t take this decision because I wanted to be with him or whatever. I can’t have a baby with you because of course I love you but it doesn’t feel right to take this step…with you. I’m not happy Paul. I’m deeply sorry to break your heart but I don’t see the point of being in a relationship if one of the two isn’t happy.’ Paul burst in tears and Louis heart broke. ‘You deserve to be with someone who loves you so much it breaks his heart.’ Louis concluded tears rolling down his cheeks. He went back to what was their home and puked until he had nothing left in his stomach. He called the surrogate agency to explain the situation and called Paul’s father to tidy the house and contact realtors. Out of every phone number he had stored in his phone in dialled Harry’s. Harry’s house felt safe and the guy wouldn’t judge. That was the problem, after a while Paul’s friends had become his and now he would have to explain himself and right now it was too much.

‘Sushi?’ Harry replied not minding Louis’ shaky voice. Louis, for he had been trying to apologize in advance for his presence, felt relieved.

 

 

‘Do you want me to leave you alone?’ Harry asked softly, he was petting Pich, the dog laying on his lap was sleeping already. ‘Do you want to go for a walk?’ Harry looked at the clock, it was just before three in the morning. Louis had been playing lullabies for hours, Harry hadn’t say a word too afraid to break this fragile moment of peace. ‘Can we take Pich?’ Louis looked at the dog and laughed, ‘She needs some sleep.’ To Louis’ surprise Harry stood up holding her in his arms and put her back on the couch. His gesture was so soft and caring it made Louis smile.

 

‘Can you believe I’ve been living in your house for two months.’ Louis said scratching the back of his head. He recalled the time he had to break up with Paul and his stomach shrunk. All those nights crying himself to sleep, torn apart, thinking so low of himself it had made him vomit. All those nights playing piano so quietly Harry wouldn’t wake up. All those looks and faces, ‘What about you and Harry’ his friends and family had repeated. Half of his friends believed he had left Paul for the artist. It wasn’t true, things were, Harry’s presence had helped him see the truth and as opposed to what they thought, Louis was actually glad Harry had help him out without knowing. Breaking up with Paul and being friend with Harry were two different things. Of course, Louis would always have feelings for Harry, it didn’t mean he wanted to try again. Right now, he needed time alone and above all he needed to be back for work. Niall had been understanding and naturally when Louis had told him he needed a break, the guy had hired his cousin to replace him when needed, only bothering Louis with paperwork.

 

‘I’m glad you’re happier.’ Harry said taking a long puff. ‘I know about all the remarks you heard, I want you to know that I would have never asked you to stay just to get you back. I don’t mean to be judgemental but those people, everyone telling you about me or doubting your choices, they are wrong. I just wanted you to be there for you, I don’t want you to think I used you. I missed you.’ Harry admitted. ‘Five years, I’m 24 now. I remember when we met.’ ‘The canteen of the musical department.’ Louis recalled. ‘It took me one second to know that I wanted to be a part of your life. Life’s funny. I would have never imagined meeting you again. I’m so proud of the man you’ve become but I’m not surprised.’ Without hesitation Louis hugged him. The touch felt different this time for Harry held him tighter. He remembered the day he had discovered Harry was the artist behind the cradle and felt weird. Harry’s presence didn’t hurt anymore, it had taken his return for Louis to understands things and heal on so many levels. His return had allowed Louis to mend some broken parts and mature. He was in peace with the past.

 

‘You don’t need to justify yourself. I know you.’ Louis emphasized. ‘Thank you. Like for everything. I need to find my own place though.’, ‘You’re gonna have to do the laundry.’ Harry teased. ‘Such a shame, right?’ Louis replied a smirk on his face.

 

It took six more months for Harry to admit his feelings for Louis.

 

‘You know what they say, feelings that come back are feelings that never left.’ Liam said while tattooing his own left hand. ‘It’s been like what? A year since you two are friends again?’ Harry nodded a smile soft on his face. ‘You haven’t been dating since or fucking either.’ Harry snorted and gave him the finger. ‘He has moved on, maybe now it’s time to try again? I mean I don’t know how you were back in college but I’ve seen you together. Some things are just too obvious not to be taken seriously.’ Harry didn’t reply and focused on Liam’s hand. ‘You’re not gonna lose him. It’s mutual H. You know it.’ ‘You better ask him out before another curly guy does.’ Ashton added walking into the room.

 

 

‘Come the fuck here, jeez Ni!’ Louis shouted from behind the bar. Louis had broken a glass and cut the palm of his left hand. Niall arrived with his usual nonchalant self and laughed. ‘Three fucking years and you’re still cutting yourself.’ He laughed again, he gave him a towel and helped to pick up the piece. ‘Tonight’s gonna kill me.’, ‘The bar ain’t-’ Niall stopped himself. ‘The bar ain’t what?’ Louis said acting his dramatic self. ‘Nah.’ His best friend replied poorly trying to hide something.

 

 

Louis decked himself and come out of his apartment to ride at work. He opened the door to see Harry waiting bent over his car. ‘You’re not working tonight.’ Harry said taking the keys from Louis’ hand. The later shook his head, ‘That’s why the fucker was bizarre.’ Harry laughed, ‘Never tell a secret to Niall cause I’ll know it you know.’ Louis added, Harry laughed and opened the car.

 

 

They rode in silence, Harry had such a big smile on his face Louis wanted to shake him. They reached the parking of a villa, ‘Hope you’ll like it.’  They walked through the waiting crowd and a woman greeted them. ‘Good evening Harry, and you must be our player for the night, Louis, isn’t it? So glad you’re here. 20 more minutes and the stage is yours. Have a drink until then.’ She said clapping her fingers, a waiter offered them champagne. Louis looked at Harry who bit his lips.

 

‘You didn’t.’ Louis said shaking his head in disbelief. ‘I cut my palm, playing’s gonna hurt as hell. I didn’t rehearse any songs. Jeez I hate you.’ He said smiling brightly. ‘Just play anything. Just be you.’ By the traits of his jaw Louis knew Harry wanted to say more but didn’t. Louis tried his best not to think about how his lips would feel and reminded himself they were friends. He swallowed down the champagne and looked around. Apparently, it was a reunion of ancient friends, there were photo books on the tables and people seemed to be constantly greeting each other.

 

The previous woman went on stage and took the mic. ‘Well, I’m so happy you’re all here.’ She continued her discourse until Louis heard ‘Now it’s time for a little musical pause. Please welcome on stage, Louis Tomlinson.’

 

The pianist looked at Harry who smiled so brightly that the earth stopped turning. Louis came on stage and sat in front of the piano. Hundreds of people were waiting for his music. He closed his eyes, exhaled deeply and out of any song he could have played he picked ‘Kiss the rain’ by Yiruma. This had been the first song Louis had played for Harry. One day, as Harry’s day had went horribly wrong, from being fired from the library to his paintings thrown away by his despicable roommate just before the exam, the artist had run to Louis’ house and thrown himself into his arms. In front of Harry’s profound despair Louis had reckoned words wouldn’t suffice. He asked for Harry to lay on the piano and to close his eyes. Even though laying on an actual piano was a weird thing to do Harry hadn’t regretted it one second, ‘Kiss the rain’ played by Louis had sufficed to relieve him. Later that year, Harry had told Louis it had taken three minutes and forty seconds to fall in love with him. Louis didn’t dare opening his eyes, one second looking at Harry would be enough to mess up with his heart and fall again.

 

 

 

Louis played for one hour and a half that night. He joined Harry and prayed he wouldn’t ask about the song. There had always been a shared taciturnity between those two, unsaid utterances, unwritten words. Harry had always picked his words with great care, he knew too well his eyes were way too talkative. Louis had always preferred the less the better and was better at listening anyway. ‘How do you feel?’ Harry gave him a champagne flute. Louis who couldn’t utter a single word, shook his head instead and hugged him. ‘I’m wasted.’ Harry whispered in his ear, Louis burst out of laughing and stepped back to inspect him. Harry hid between his hands but Louis could still see his dimples. Louis stepped closer again and took Harry’s hands away from his mouth, he cupped his face and kissed him. Harry stepped away and made a funny face, between frustration and lust. Louis understood he was fighting himself not to kiss him back. ‘What?’ Louis said biting his lip for he was dying inside.

 

Harry turned his heels and took four steps until he turned around and came back to kiss Louis. The tall guy cupped Louis’s face and kissed him slowly and carefully as if not to break the fragility of the moment. Louis put his hands around Harry’s waist and swung slowly, as Harry was drunk, his body swung more than intended and it made them laugh. ‘Tonight,’ Harry whispered into Louis’ mouth ‘I’m gonna dream of how you tasted.’ He concluded by another kiss, his large hands still cupping Louis’ face. Louis raised his eyebrows and replaced his hair, ‘You’re so slutty when you’re drunk.’ He teased slightly stepping back. Harry faked being outraged and brought his finger to his lips, Louis laughed again and looked at his watch. ‘Are you kidding me, you’re drunk at eleven? Jeez. Where’s the Harry I met one year ago?’ Harry frowned, ‘Hey! At least I’m better than the 19-year-old me.’ Louis laughed, ‘You wouldn’t last a night.’ Harry ran his tongue over his lower lip ‘Wanna bet?’

 

 

‘I kissed him first’ Louis told Niall trying to focus on the curls of smoke not to smile. Spring was slowly piercing the wintery morning fog, Niall didn’t even raise an eyebrow, ‘What?’ Louis inquired, Niall’s behaviour was making him feel weird already. ‘Well,’ Niall paused refolding his sleeves ‘Do you want me to be surprised? Cause bro seriously? I was sure you two would end up together months ago.’ Louis snorted, it couldn’t have been that obvious ‘Remember that time you went camping with him? I’d never seen you this happy. Or that time I wanted to go fishing and Harry would put the fish back in the water behind my back, your laugh man.’ Niall paused to remember the details ‘That time you drove five hours to get a special shade of yellow.’ ‘Green.’ Louis corrected, he remembered Harry’s face, it had been worth it.’ Anyway, it’s about time. I mean, I’m glad you’re taking your time, Harry’s everything to you. But I was starting to get tired of you two not seeing what everyone sees.’ He smiled at Louis who tried his best not to look so happy about Niall’s consent. ‘

 

 

‘Another surprise of yours Tomlinson.’ Harry said peering at Louis behind the wheel. ’Well, I wanted to thank you for the piano night, among other things.’ Louis felt his cheek blush.

 

‘No fucking way.’ Harry said widening his arms to let the puppy in. ‘Her name is Watermelon. They found her in a dumpster, almost frozen.’ Louis said petting the small dog, he scrutinized Harry’s face, dimples out, wild smile and teary eyes, he kept his pride for himself silently imprinting deep into his memory this moment of bliss. ‘She’s lovely. Thank you, Lou. Let’s take her to Mama Pich.’ He sniffled.

 

 

Five weeks had past and the beginning of Spring meant heavy rain and chilly mornings.

Pich was playing with Watermelon, trying her best not to hurt the puppy Husky. Louis and Harry were laying on the living room floor for no other reason than peering mindlessly at the exposed beams was their new thing.  Louis had one hand on his tummy the other caressing Harry’s hair. It was relatively mild outside but the soft warmth from the oven was lulling them into Morpheus arms. Out of the blue Harry spoke and it made Louis start, ‘We kissed. Five times.’ Louis smiled at first but remembered that he was dealing with Hazza and of course he meant more than the three kisses they had shared during the piano night or the two stolen by Harry at the movie theatre. Before Louis got to speak Harry followed, ‘I want you to be my boyfriend. I’m pretty sure I never ceased to love you, not even when my heart was broken, not after I’d seen the wanders the world has to offer. Not even the first time I was told you’d been in a relationship for two years. It took me a while to see it. I simply didn’t want to mess things up and you had Paul and then you were free and I couldn’t possibly take that freedom away from you. You deserved it. But then, the more I would try to go on dates, to think about anyone but you, to be casual, it would hit me in the guts. It’s you.’ Harry exhaled deeply and took Louis’ s hand. ‘I’m ready to settle and I’m so lucky that we met again because now I have the chance to write the next chapter of my life with you.’  Louis took his time to answer.

 

Harry had spoken and just as importantly. Louis recalled all those days being sad and broken, before and after Harry’s return. He thought about those nights when the simple thought of Harry had made him nauseous, the nights when he had prayed not to look at Harry and fall again. He recalled the long list of dreams he had about him and Harry finally back together, goals he wanted to accomplish by his side. After one year they were three words away from getting back together and Louis wasn’t going to run away. Harry had hurt him but this pain belonged to the past. As much as Louis had once wished it to and as opposed to bitterness, anger and sadness, his love for Harry wouldn’t go away. What was the point to fight? They both had committed mistakes they both were determined to mature and build something that would last. Harry was the “something” missing. ‘I love you.’ he replied softly. He rolled over Harry so as to sit on his waist. Harry’s hands found Louis’ back and the later ran his fingers on his soon-to-be boyfriend collarbones. Harry peered at him and again cut Louis off ‘You’re the whole damn book.’ He said dimples out, Louis laughed and brought their lips together.’ Remember the first time we kissed?’ Louis said on Harry’s lips, the later ran his hands down to Louis’ butt.

 

‘You better kiss me Tomlinson, we’re making history here.’ He said before dragging Louis closer. ‘I think the cookies are burning.’ Harry said suddenly tensed. He looked at Louis, there was a moment when nobody moved until Louis realised that the cookies were indeed going to burn. Quickly enough, he stood up, opened the oven and disappeared behind the smoke ‘Jeez fucking Christ’ Harry heard Louis say and of course, he laughed ‘Help me instead of laughing, you goofy head.’ Harry stood up, opened one of the window and did help Louis. They put the burnt cookies on the kitchen counter and just as Louis was going to throw them away Harry took one and ate it, full mouth. Louis looked at him with utter surprise, Harry just shrugged. ‘I fucking love you Harry Styles.’

 

 


End file.
